Hot Fuss: Physics Girl and Ipanema Kill a Whale, and Have a Talk About It

Who will it be?
	The Girl from Ipanema
	Physics Girl

So where did today take me? Strange places. My life is Under the Gun. Either you or me, just pull the trigger already. Let me wake up, and prove that it's all been a dream.

Chapter 1: A Date for Winter Prom, and a Midnight Show Tonight

So, began the day, heart set on posing that question. Not so much heart, I suppose. Mind set, with its swirling levels of serotonin and glee. It was not a choice of heart, not to-day, at least. A simple strove up during the 1st-2nd period passing, and an oh-so-simple question. A question which had no strings attached, in the slightest - a yes or no, and life would go on. It was the best of times, the simplest of times, the age of wisdom, without any of that other baggage that so often accompanies these high school things.

Chapter 2: "Can I change your mind?"

And all 'twas well. After a delightful segment of Stand and Derive, I got my bags ready for that wondrous trip down that hallway. Ha, but free will is nothing in the face of chance and fate. As I am about to leave, the Girl from Ipanema happens to apparition herself before me. She's an old flame, and nothing more. Happy Birthday? What a surprise. Especially considering my birthday is in January. But, I know how these things are - we get our information where we can, and in the transfer, from mouth to mouth, countenance to countenance, sex to the other sex, we often lose something, or all meaning, in the translation. So, I wasn't tied up so much in that regard, although it was the sole point that most people focused on, and I admit it was rather amusing and makes for great yarn, at the very least.

But - Happy Birthday? Completely out of the blue. After 10 months of her obliviousness, after 3 weeks of my own ignorance, she comes to me, an adorable and fairly personal gift in tow. And she does this, and leaves me to wonder what it all means, in all my wild exasperation and surprise. No time now to visit that 2nd period class, nor would I have, in all my bewilderment at this (pleasant?) surprise.

Chapter 3: The Past Tense: Jenny was a Friend of Mine

This left me, in an utter bind. Here was a gift. An obviously thought-out and neatly packaged one. For a birthday that didn't exist. Do any of those three things mean anything? From one viewpoint, no. None of it did - a simple mistake, and a gesture that'd be done for anyone else anyway. On the other side of things, we had wild theories from everyone, all inclined to the belief that some long overdue relationship was finally going to happen. I tend to accept the former, because, as surprising as it was, it was, after all, characteristic of her, and in the face of everything else that'd been done, everything else that'd been said, and all that had not been said, it became more and more, as it channeled through my thought process, of just another chance occurrence by fate that is read too deeply from the perspective of free will.

After all, nothing had been said for the past several weeks. In all honesty, I do not believe that a single word was uttered between us for three weeks, until today. And she seemed... aware of that, at least. But it perplexes me, in that it goes from no social contact at all, to hey happy birthday, here's something which I've put thought into and planned out. And then again, considering all of that, it seems more likely... obligatory and/or happenstance, that'd she'd return the gesture and give me something for my supposed birthday. I didn't want to completely disregard it, but at the same time I didn't want to believe it to be her subtle way of hinting at something more.

Alas, despite all rationale, your hopes have a habit of getting the better side of you. And so, it was time I decided. Time to get it out there, and say it, tell her, once and for all, for better or worse.

And where was Physics Girl in all of this? She was forgotten and shuffled aside, at least for the meantime. There are friendly Winter Prom dates, and then there are those who you once thought to be the love of your life, back again.

Chapter 4: While Everyone's Lost, the Battle is Won, with All These Things That She's Done - What Things?

And in all respects, it was a repeat of last month, two months, 5 months, 10 months, and every month hence. The same old story, which I think best summed up with this excerpt from six months ago.

http://www.xanga.com/TejasTheory/259542328/item.html

So there is the lesson of the day for tampering expectations and shooting lower than the moon (like a low-orbital satellite or falling Mir debris or something). So I guess as a few people noticed today I've been pretty ecstatic all weekend and 1/2 period today. So I'm there 3rd period, and she walks in...

I'm playing this absolutely beautiful scene in my mind, for a FilmFlask shot, where a girl walks into a room and strides right past a guy, and simultaneously there's a semi-transparent image of the same girl who walks to him, sticks her arm into his chest, and rips out his heart, and then kind of just smiles and watches - not a sadistic one, just a sweet, slightly naive one - as it ebbs into this sickly black and the screen pans away.

She leaves abruptly, as she always does, following 2nd period. Having left my tripod in Mr. Nghe's room, a swing by that hallway to pick it up first, and arrive at third period...

Only to find that she is, once again, sitting on the other side of the classroom.

Before I get into the how and why, I think I need to explain the situation that's been going on, as it's a strange occurrence that only I and probably Josiah have really noticed.

You see, this Girl from Ipanema, sits next to me. It's like as if, for a single moment in the long, arduous day, the British Isles juxtapose themselves on the Brasilian border. And things are either great, or typical, when it turns out that way. But, every once in a while, for reasons that still seem inexplicable, she moves all the way to sit on the other side of the room. The first time it happened, I thought she might have been mad at me, and I was wondering what I had said or done wrong preceding 3rd period, to precipitate her moving across the room. But yet, on the next day, she had moved back to her seat next to mine, and we casually resumed a normal conversation and relationship (this was back in the time when we were still talking). However, this odd tendency started become less spontaneous and more regular - every week she'd sit next to me on some days, and on the other side of the room on other days. Maybe she liked the company there. Or just wanted a chance of pace and scenery. In all likelihood, it's some logical explanation like that, but I can't help but feel a pang in my heart every time she leaves to the other side, as if I've just done something wrong to drive her away.

Before I entered third period, I thought it might've been the first time in weeks that things would be back to normal, that, maybe the gift was her way of showing a willingness to breach that cold iciness which had enveloped the both of us. And, it was refreshing to think of that, to finally shed this horrible pseudo-hatred that had been festering in my mind, and get back to the way that things were. But there I was in my usual spot, and once again, there she was, separated over a chasm that spanned the entire classroom. How? Why? Of all days, to not sit here, she chooses today. She got through to me, for the first time in weeks, and yet, the next hour, she goes along as if nothing's happened at all, and all of it, ALL OF IT, is back to the way that things have always been. Why? That question leads me to the final awful conclusion that she doesn't care for it, any kind of social relationship or contact, not really, which I've thought and expected all along.

And that FilmFlask scene repeats itself. That violent, bloody throbbing muscle, ripped from me like the fluttering mastflag of Tashtego. Fourth period was an exact repeat of last year's scene. Raise my hand to wave, get the first "Hey-" half-syllable out, and yet she passes, straight and direct, never turning a glancing look or acknowledgement in the slightest. Afterschool today, oh god, afterschool today. I had still planned to get it all out, and yet she skips out on Recycling completely (apparently to watch Harry Potter). It was as if, she had achieved her aim, and her only aim, to deliver the gift, and after it was done, her mind drifted straight away to anything else but that. No, she really didn't care to talk to me at all today, outside of those few brief instances. And, no, she doesn't really care so much if I were to ignore her the rest of my life (as had been happening) - she's OK with that because it is hardly a significant part enough of her life to affect her.

A nice, thought-out message she wrote. For all the good that words are, it might as well have been left blank. I'm tired of words, especially the hollow kind. Life is defined by all these things you've done, not the ideas and ideals that are nothing but expoused.

Chapter 5: Glamorous Indie Rock and Roll Queen

And so, desolation. More than anything, the pursuit of a romantic relationship envelops you, and in the process isolates you from the rest of the world. Your life, becomes that person, and you live in the daily social interactions between the two of you. And, in raising my hopes up, all the way to that level (in just a short two hours), the fact that she was most certainly gone, reverberated through my heart, and left a void there that was unfillable by any other person.

And so, despair is drowned in work, as so often is the first resort. Except, solo photography, without any real sense of direction or purpose, is hardly as fulfilling as something like... journalism. An awkward lunch, spent walking around trying to find shots for the website, all the while trying to pick up the pieces ripped apart by such raised hope and such oblivion, in such a short span of time.

I did happen to see Ipanema during the International Foods Day, manning her booth under the shadowed wall of the gym building. And, all of the same, a few grunts of acknowledgement, and it was back into both of our respective, closed-off worlds. Maybe it was because I was too busy snapping away photos for the school website, or maybe it was because she was too busy managing food sales. Maybe it was just the way she is. Maybe it was just the way I am.

But yet, I was busy snapping away virtually the entire lunch period. And Tiffany found time to chat and walk around. Helen found time to chat and walk around. Obviously, things are fundamentally wrong in this relationship (or seeming lack thereof), but with each passing day I lose hope that they can ever be reconciled between the two of us.

The velvet sun shone in all its brightness on the west side, and here I was, under the shadows of the eastern wall. And from the other side of courtyard, across the throngs of people, the sea of purgatory, there she was. Physics girl waved, was beckoning me over, smiling like she meant it.

Chapter 6: "Promise me she's not your world, because Andy you're a star, in nobody's eyes but mine."

And for the first time in the day, things were nice. Sitting by her booth, chatting as the crowds and hoopla of IFD waned and died down.

She's reliable as she used to be. The night of the play, so many nights of the go. It was Guys and Dolls, and I'd been more or less stood up at the last minute by a friend. And that night, so disparate and lonely, it was she, the Girl from Ipanema, who came up to me and said hi, stayed for awhile and chatted. And that night, it made all the difference, just from the fact that there was someone there to converse with, someone there at all. But she never does that anymore. She's never there anymore. Last year, she was this rock that I could depend on, that would be there every time, and I was never lonely. But now, she's unpredictable and inconsistent as I am. And today, Physics girl, was everything she used to be. She was, once again, the savior at that time of despair.

So, lunch was made fun again, and the day was salvaged, by that simple gesture which had trumped everything else that had happened up to that point. I actually don't know, how this all came about. And I'm still not even sure, what kind of romantic relationship, I'd really want, beyond a simple date for Winter Prom. Yes, she's intelligent, possibly more so than any other girl I've met (then again, I really don't have enough classes with her to make a judgement like that), but more importantly, I'm at a comfort level that I really never was at before. I had, no apprehensions today at lunch, and I, in full confidence, think that I wouldn't have had any apprehensions during 1st-2nd passing period today. It is, thus far, the most casual of relationships, absolutely like any other friend, except there is that slightest hint of attraction present.

At times, it seems perfect. Today at lunch was perfect. Without all the baggage and investment of a real relationship, all the fun and lightness of a casual one, and not being weighed and bludgeoned to death with expectations that rise and fall with every new period of the day.

But despite it all, I didn't ask. That other gesture lingered on my mind. How could I turn my back on her, after all this time, and on the day that she did this for me? Never mind that, for the rest of the day, she had all but ignored me (or we had all but ignored each other). Things in that situation were in an utterly confused state. Her actions today had rocked all the previous presumptions that I had built up and established in my mind, and those concrete conclusions that I had come to, and upon which I had decided to abandon the pursuit, all of a sudden melted back into a mush of ambiguity. She... her... she had precedence over some new person, and it was something I needed to resolve, something I needed to know, before I could ever move on with things.

And so, once again, Physics Girl was forgotten and shuffled to the side. Not that it pained me, nor did it pain her - the beauty of casuality. But how much longer would I hold off the progression of life, trying hopelessly to grasp onto threads from the past?

Chapter 7: Believe me Natalie, this is your last chance to Disco

And so lunch came to an end, as all things do. Opportunities come and go, and these days it seems like I'm blowing them at 5 chances a day. But with her, the Physics girl, it's okay. There isn't any impending urgency to ask now, to have something happen now, or to have something happen at all. Is it really that casual, or has this pseudo-attraction of mine just not progressed to that point yet?

But, the Girl from Ipanema. I had my heart set on telling her today, and dammit I was going to. So, recycling club was to be my last chance to disco. I'd catch up with her after we were done sorting, wouldn't sit idly by as she walked out that door alone, as she does every week.

Perchance, we talked during 6th period Chemistry. Though she sits behind me, it's rare (especially recently) that we ever talk in that class. But, we did today. Not the most in-depth of conversations, and it was still... awkward as before. But it was a step, and it solidified my resolve to do it afterschool.

So, the period ends without much fanfare, and I head off to recycling. She lingers for a bit in the chem room, and I loiter around the hall for a few seconds, waiting for her, before deciding to just head off to the recycling room. It's 2:47. I hang around for a bit, sort of idle as the group leaders mill attendance and try to organize the denizens. It's 2:52. It seems as if about half the usuals are gone. There's Joanna, Edward, Alfred, and Samantha, along with the juniors I don't know, as far as I can tell. It's 2:55. And, I start to get nervous. The minutes tick on, and each passing revolution of the second hand takes me further and further away from those balmy shores. Like a rip tide drawing me out, slowly, yet inescapable, and there's no way to reverse it. I could do nothing but tread idly, helplessly, as the seconds flashed by. It was 2:59. Samuel tells me she might have gone with all the rest to see Harry Potter. It was 3:00. It was 3:01. It was 3:17, the group leaders were shipping out, and she wasn't coming.

I walk out. It was too much to stay in that room and wait around for her to show up, for her to come back, it was killing me. The guy screws up, but as she fades off the horizon he runs after her, whirls her around, holds her close and tells her he loves her, wrong until he makes it right. I run out the front door, and stumble into hell. The sun, sky-red blazing. The hundreds of denizens milling around, in general streaming out those front doors and into the suburban jungle. And not a Brasilian in sight. Heaven wasn't close in a place like this, but this was as close to a cynic's reverie as one could get. The Girl from Ipanema wasn't here, nor was she going to be.

I stumbled back in, desolate and disparate, a scene repeated peta-times in the long history of man. The halls had been evacuated. Those students had gone by now, on with their lives. And those recycling members that had stayed were outdoors, retrieving the bins and getting set to sort. The halls were desolate and disparate, and somewhere in the world, the smallest little violin was playing the Ballad of Valentine in its saddest rendition yet. There was nothing around, not for miles, save myself and the plastered walls, the epoxy floor tiles and the particle board ceiling. I walked on and in.

And to my utmost surprise, there she was. Running around and sorting out the post-IFD mess. Physics girl stands there and waves at me, smiling like she means it.

Chapter 8: Hold me close, and promise me that Everything Will be Alright

She had forgotten her IFD utensils in the room, but alas the teacher was gone. So she was about to head home. But she had time to walk and chat as we strolled over to the parking lot. A Date for Winter Prom, and a Midnight Show Tonight?

So we got to that doorway that leads out towards the portables, the parking lot. Her dad was waiting outside. We lingered there for awhile, and I made up my mind to just ask. A moment of hesitation, as I considered the other side of it and Astrud Gilberto's The Girl from Ipanema played in the background of my mind. And in that moment of hesitation, she had taken those two steps out and now stood on the other side of the door. It was an open door, and nothing separated us apart from 3 feet and an empty metal door frame. But, I couldn't do it, couldn't take that step. To do that would have been to move forward, and put myself out there. To do that would have been to take chase after her, and I couldn't do that. It would have been an end to the era of casuality, and a move to something much deeper, with much more at stake. The lesson's been learned ten times before, and I wasn't about to make her an 11th.

I bid adieu, and she flashed me her smile, and we both parted ways for the weekend.

Chapter 9: Mr. Brightside / Not Mr. Brightside

Where does that leave me now? A state of utter confusion. The brightside of things is the hope derived from those subtle hints and gestures from either the Girl from Ipanema and Physics Girl. The downside of things is the awful ambiguity, and most obvious overinterpretation, of those inherently, and quite truthfully, meaningless things, along with the fact that there are now two.

What happened today? I was ready and set to move on today. And all of a sudden, the past comes back to divert my attention for half a day and then half a moment. And even now, I'm wondering about that past. It's so much older than I can take, and my affection, and apparently hers, well it comes and goes.

Is there room for one more sun? The velvet sun which shines on the west, and the shrifting sun that sets on the east side. There won't be a binary in this system - I'm not one of those guys (or at least, I hope I am not). Both suns have set for the weekend, and the question now is who will be there when day comes again (whenever it comes) this week..

And what if the sunlight never rises? As much as we perceive the phases of the day to move with the motion of the sun, isn't the reality that it is us, the planet, which rotates about the axis? We can sit idly by for us to rotate around to that same position once again. Or, at times we must chase the sun and run the arc length of the planet, to see the star's light again.

But one sets on the East Side, and the other sets on the West. The question is, which way do I run?

Chapter 10: Remember Rio, and get down - the Sun sets on the East side

Sometimes, I wish she was reading all of this. I can be frank here, in a way that will never be possible in real life. All this time, I've spoken about lack of intimacy on any level, and her obliviousness. She is, oblivious to all of it, not only to the fact of this (past?) attraction, but to all the in-and-out turmoil in between. That I've loved her, and hated her, and have shifted back and forth several times in the same day. That after all of this, I still hang and hinge on her every word, and write entire books on the tiny actions and things that she does in the day. And it's so unfair to her. In all of this, her attitude has been a constant, and she trusts me as far as most friends would trust most of their friends. And, unbeknownst to her, I've thought and run through all of these things. Dangerous no, to be obliviously friendly with someone who thinks he hates you? Even more Dangerous no, to be obliviously friendly with someone who thinks he loves you?

In all the awkwardness that's developed, things have gone this way because I missed out on step one: telling her that basic truth which underlies this entire relationship. Is it all too late for that now? It might be. She has lived in the past - her perception of this relationship is how it was back in November of 2004. At the same time, I've lived an entire story of love found, lost, and run afoul, played out an entire relationship and its culmination, in my mind.

Chapter 11: Halo and Wings

The Western-setting sun shines now from the East side. Part of me wonders how long it will take for this to take the same shape as before? I've spoken of all these great things, but quite honestly, have I not felt the same way at every point in life where a new attraction arises?

At the same time, I don't want another Ipanema, not even another Incumbent, nor the countless nicknames given to all those others. She's my Winter Prom date, or at least I'd like her to be, and nothing more than that. 24 hours ago, I would have loved nothing more than to take her out on a date, see a movie, out to Winter Prom, Christmas at Union Square. Cause a scene, like lovers do, on silver screens. It was the dream, once again, to perfection, but just a dream nonetheless. To a large extent, I still do - that dream still exists, as pristine and wondrous as it was before whenever I drift off to wonder about it, but the reality now is muddled. What to make of the Girl from Ipanema, if anything?

Epilogue: Over and in, Last Call for Sin

I like the Physics Girl, for entirely new reasons. Simply, for fun, the person you'd go everywhere with, and share everything with - the romance would be the last part of it, if any existed at all. In my mind it's the most ideal kind of relationship, the kind of thing that fanciful high school dreams are made of, the relationship that I've always wanted, without the elements of relationships that I've never wanted. On the other hand, I've liked the Girl from Ipanema for all of the old reasons. I've never wanted her for a Winter Prom date, never wanted her to be anything, but mine for all time, and for her to feel the same. It sounds an awful lot like the Incumbent was, and it's the most dangerous kind of desire - pure desperation for want of the impossible. But then again, it is the most realistic, and the most genuine kind of want.

The Girl from Ipanema
and Physics Girl.
She's the Sun that sets on the East Side
and the velvet Sun that sets on the West.
I'm On Top
and Under the Gun.

So you decide. Cast your ballots, and we'll make this choice by voter referendum. Surely, I am delusional now. A fun survey, nonetheless eh? I've always wondered what everyone else has thought about all this.